FCC to Impose Limits on How Long News Can Be Labeled Breaking News
Washington D.C. - In response to rising viewer sentiment, the FCC has proposed a limit on the length of time a network can feature a Breaking News label onscreen, according to a report released by the Non-Associated Press.
According to the new FCC law, the limitations will require the Breaking News label to be removed once 5 hours and 15 minutes have passed since a labeled major event, such as those related to war and homeland security issues. For minor issues, such as criminal acts and non-major natural occurrences, the time limit is reduced to 3 hours, providing no major breaks in a story really do occur. Additional regulations state that a breaking news item must be displayed directly below the label, which cannot be placed solely for marketing purposes.
News sources such as CNN and FoxNews, among others, have labeled news elements constantly with the Breaking News label, according to a report by the FCC. A bombing in Baghdad had been labeled as such onscreen for up
to 27 hours after it occurred. Unconfirmed reports have stated Breaking News labels have remained onscreen for as many as 3 days following an event.
A trans-exclusive clause states that "the [Breaking News] Label cannot be displayed without reason defined [in this document] by the laws set forth by this organization for longer than categorically specified, and failure of compliance will result in the highest penalty put forth by this organization."
"We are concerned about this viewer sentiment in that the American people need to have accurate and honest reporting. The legitimacy of many major news networks is at stake here," said FCC Commissioner Deborah Taylor Tate.
"I honestly don't know when anything really happens, they just give me things to read and I do," CNN's Wolf Blitzer told Embellished-1 News in an exclusive interview.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Engaged to Be Divorced
Hollywood, CA - April 2012 - Hollywood insiders said this week that megastars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially engaged to be divorced. The reports that Jolie, 36 and Pitt, 48 decided to make it official have been confirmed by numerous sources around the universe. They've been a couple since 1845 according to documented historical records.
Relationship analysts throughout Hollywood did not comment on how long the engagement or subsequent marriage would last. A supercomputer was still crunching numbers as of Friday, while running a simulation that uses data compiled from past megastar marriage statistics. "The statistical program could run for months before we get an answer," an unidentified technician said in an unrelated interview.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have 12,000 children. Three of those are biological and most of the others have been acquired through Facebook.
Sources close to the couple say they waited so long because they were saving up for the engagement ring. An unidentified government official said that contracting, research and development, copyrights, planning, project management, and finishing touches have had a significant impact on the national debt. The exact cost of the ring has not yet been disclosed.
"The only confirmation that we have is that the couple will eventually be divorced. How long the marriage will last and what miracles are accomplished during that time cannot be accurately predicted," said an agent's representative under Oath of Embellishment.
Parsel Mandahar, a different kind of analyst, said, "I think it is likely that the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt empire will grow to consume the entire world. I do, however, believe that the actual marriage could theoretically last from 3-5 years." The distinct sound of a molecular dissolution gun was heard immediately after this statement on the teleconference call.
Obama Camp Claims Debate Script Stolen
Hempstead, NY - October 16, 2012 - As President Barack Obama exhaustively practices for tonight's debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources close to his debate coaching team say the script for the Denver debate held on October 3 was stolen just before the President was to go on the air.
An unidentified source said the hard copy was stolen before it could be loaded into the teleprompter, forcing the president to ad-lib his responses for the entire debate. "It wasn't that Mr. Obama didn't know the answers," said the anonymous source, "The stress of losing the best ones possible just a couple hours before sent him into a frenzy, which exhausted the president mentally and physically."
Moderator Jim Lehrer, who denies experiencing a phenomenon now called "sleep moderating" during the event, says he has no knowledge of any reports the script was stolen. Experts say the phenomenon is a potentially chronic condition similar to sleep walking. Lehrer was noted for his lack of control of the candidates during the debate, and reports of his dozing while off camera have been disputed.
Exactly who took the debate script for Denver remains unknown. A secret investigative committee, according to sources at the FBI, is looking into several individuals working for the GOP. The bureau refused to release any names at the time of this report, but also added that an inside job was not out of the question. Sources working for a rogue division added solar flares or aliens may have played a role.
Investigators also noted that a Pentagon threat assessment team was activated to ensure that the October 16 manuscript would be safe and sound. It was stored in an online database just for precaution. Secure channels would be used to upload it to the teleprompter, say embellished intelligence gatherers, without loss or manipulation of data by unauthorized parties. The debate airs on Tuesday from 9:00 - 10:30pm.