Embellished-1 News
For The Stories You Only Thought Were Fake
Vol. 00
©2007 AndrewScott, Inc.
FCC to Impose Limits on How Long News Can Be Labeled Breaking News
Washington D.C. - In response to rising viewer sentiment, the FCC has proposed a limit on the length of time a network can feature a Breaking News label onscreen, according to a report released by the Non-Associated Press.
According to the new FCC law, the limitations will require the Breaking News label to be removed once 5 hours and 15 minutes have passed since a labeled major event, such as those related to war and homeland security issues. For minor issues, such as criminal acts and non-major natural occurrences, the time limit is reduced to 3 hours, providing no major breaks in a story really do occur. Additional regulations state that a breaking news item must be displayed directly below the label, which cannot be placed solely for marketing purposes.
News sources such as CNN and FoxNews, among others, have labeled news elements constantly with the Breaking News label, according to a report by the FCC. A bombing in Baghdad had been labeled as such onscreen for up
to 27 hours after it occurred. Unconfirmed reports have stated Breaking News labels have remained onscreen for as many as 3 days following an event.
A trans-exclusive clause states that "the [Breaking News] Label cannot be displayed without reason defined [in this document] by the laws set forth by this organization for longer than categorically specified, and failure of compliance will result in the highest penalty put forth by this organization."
"We are concerned about this viewer sentiment in that the American people need to have accurate and honest reporting. The legitimacy of many major news networks is at stake here," said FCC Commissioner Deborah Taylor Tate.
"I honestly don't know when anything really happens, they just give me things to read and I do," CNN's Wolf Blitzer told Embellished-1 News in an exclusive interview.
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©2007 AndrewScott, Inc.
WikiLeaks to Be Sent to the Moon
December 1, 2010 - Following the release of a quarter-million confidential U.S. government documents, and subsequent controversy, WikiLeaks has not only been banned by Amazon, the entire Internet, and society, but any notion of it will be burned, deleted, and sent to the moon, according to embellished, anonymous sources.
The decision came during a secret meeting between anonymous parties, the details of which are intended to remain secret, but inevitably will be leaked somewhere. Embellished news sources say that there was simply nowhere and no one that would accept WikiLeaks as an entity anywhere on Earth because, "The organization simply cannot be trusted."
"There is not a server on the planet that would host them," said an anonymous Internet executive.
The website revealed many documents pertaining to international crises and conflicts, and various issues dealing with embassies around the world. Some issues covered include a nuclear fuel standoff in Pakistan, political troubles in North Korea, how to get rid of everyone in Guantanamo Bay prison, and corruption in
the Afghan government. "None of this is anything that
anyone couldn't figure out for themselves," said a
representative of WikiLeaks under Oath of Embellishment.
"We'll conduct an investigation into the leak of these sensitive
cables. For now, I'd like to instruct workers in the White House
to move those cables on the floor for the Christmas lights before
anyone gets hurt," President Obama said in an
unrelated statement.
Other events the site leaked were the hacking of Google computers in China, which is done everywhere else, and donations to Al Qaeda in the Middle East, and…. (static) the worldwide (white noise)… wait…. Just breaking an art..ic..1.. three - two- one… blastoff!!!
The editors of Embellished-1 News would like to note that this was just a simulated takeoff, and that no official information has been leaked by this publication. The fake newsletter is still safe at home on Earth, and has no presence on the moon… yet.
"There is not a server on the planet that would host them"
Click on category links below for more embellished news.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Engaged to Be Divorced
Hollywood, CA - April 2012 - Hollywood insiders said this week that megastars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially engaged to be divorced. The reports that Jolie, 36 and Pitt, 48 decided to make it official have been confirmed by numerous sources around the universe. They've been a couple since 1845 according to documented historical records.
Relationship analysts throughout Hollywood did not comment on how long the engagement or subsequent marriage would last. A supercomputer was still crunching numbers as of Friday, while running a simulation that uses data compiled from past megastar marriage statistics. "The statistical program could run for months before we get an answer," an unidentified technician said in an unrelated interview.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have 12,000 children. Three of those are biological and most of the others have been acquired through Facebook.
Sources close to the couple say they waited so long because they were saving up for the engagement ring. An unidentified government official said that contracting, research and development, copyrights, planning, project management, and finishing touches have had a significant impact on the national debt. The exact cost of the ring has not yet been disclosed.
"The only confirmation that we have is that the couple will eventually be divorced. How long the marriage will last and what miracles are accomplished during that time cannot be accurately predicted," said an agent's representative under Oath of Embellishment.
Parsel Mandahar, a different kind of analyst, said, "I think it is likely that the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt empire will grow to consume the entire world. I do, however, believe that the actual marriage could theoretically last from 3-5 years." The distinct sound of a molecular dissolution gun was heard immediately after this statement on the teleconference call.