April 15th - Officials at American Airlines announced today that all of its aircraft that were grounded last week for wiring inspections will have to be re-inspected once again due to mistakes in the inspection process, according to the Non-Associated Press.
The groundings, which affected several hundred planes and resulted in the cancellation of over 3,000 flights, affected hundreds of thousands of passengers nationwide.
"The same inconviences that occurred last week will repeat once again," said an anonymous FAA representative.
According to the FAA, serious mistakes were made in the examination process of the MD-80 wiring systems. Problems already present may have been made worse and others may have been created. Full details are not available, but some experts have speculated that agents inspecting the airplanes used bubble gum to secure some of the wires, and beer bottles may have been left in some wire compartments.
"We understand that this is difficult for everyone travelling on American Airlines, and we will try to resolve the problem as quickly as possible," said the FAA in a statement released this morning.
Political Panic in Face of Superdelegate Retirement Wave
Washington, DC - April 23rd - Policymakers and politicians were in panic on Wednesday when news broke that many of the superdelegates that could decide the Democratic nominee for the 2008 Presidential race may opt for retirement late this Spring.
As many as 250 Superdelegates could choose to retire and not side with any candidate, according to the Non-Associated Press, and could do so as soon as June 1st.
This could leave either candidate drastically short of the 2,025 delegates needed to win the Democratic nomination, say analysts. There was no word from the democratic party on whether there would be an alteration in the rules should the retirement wave threaten the electoral process.
There are currently no laws, regulations, or punishment for Superdelegates who abandon their ballot in the face of a Presidential election.
12 Injured by Poorly Placed Exit Polls
Gary, IN - May 8th - Up to 12 people may have been injured in Gary, Indiana on Tuesday, by walking into poorly placed exit polls in 2 different voting locations, according to a report in the Post-Tribune.
Mostly, the injuries were minor, say local authorities, though 3 people were sent to Methodist Hospital in Gary, one with a head injury. Doctors say the injuries were consistent with people walking into polls that were placed in bad locations.
The polls, made of a titanium/aluminum alloy, had been placed at the exit of Little Park Elementary School, and Central Transpository Notary-Benchmark Center. "It was odd that upon entering, the polls seemed to be just fine, but when leaving, I noticed several people avoiding potential injury with the polls," said Deena Dixon, a worker at Little Park Elementary.
Manufactured by a local Portage, IN steel company, the polls were installed by county-employed contractors in early March.
According to the American Society of Statistics, there is no record of how many people walk into exit polls during an election season, but the Society says that the slim possibility exists. Also, according to the Society's Indiana Primary Local Division, 68% were satisfied with the voting process, 14% were dissatisfied, 10% were unphased by it, and 8% didn't know how they felt.
Recession Going According to Plan, President Says in Secret Recording
Washington D.C. - June 29 - In a recent secret recording, obtained from covert spies, President Bush addressed his White House staff and advisors to say that the execution of the current recession is going just as planned.
The recording is thought to have been made by the Covert Information Retrieval and Assessment Team, a rumored sub-agency of the CIA, using software that records off of microphones of laptops. It last for an hour and fifteen minutes.
In the meeting, thought to have occurred sometime in the June 19-22 timeframe, the President also says that worldwide efforts to drive up fuel prices are having the effect that they had been calculated to. Further efforts are underway to increase prices even more and the President and his staff see no hindrances to their current plans.
Numerous references to 'finishing the job we started' are made. According to much of what was said, the rising fuel price situation seems to be the backbone of the plan, said an anonymous analyst. Also, the reference to last year's expansion of foreclosure criteria indicates that much of the foreclosure activity is part of the President's plan as well.
Other points were also addressed, such as payment stimulus for airline executives as an 'Operations Deferral Plan" is enacted, shipment of equipment to enhance CO2 output of plants and factories, and accelerated internal spending for social security.
The evil extended laugh near the end of the tape is thought to be that of Dick Cheney.
Giant Monster Breaks through Floor of Canton Prom - Captures 3
Canton, OH - May 22nd - City officials are investigating eyewitness reports that a large, aggressive monster broke through the floor of Central High School gymnasium, as the school's senior prom took place on Thursday night, capturing 3 attendees before disappearing into the night.
Police say that Andrea Maldavi, 18; Charlie Hennesey, 19; and Renee Orpthal, 18, all of Canton, have disappeared and there continues to be an ongoing citywide search for them. The school also said that 14 people were injured either directly by debris or in the subsequent panic.
Prom Queen Wendy Madison said that the monster was huge, about 10 feet tall. "It's muscles bulged everywhere. It was hairy and had a horn on its head, and my gosh, it was sweating all over."
"It roared like, a monster," said a man, only identified as Mike.
According to Dexter Mahoney, Principal of Central High School, there was about $2.3 million in damage done to the school. In addition to the demolishd gymanasium, there was a gaping hole in the basement below, several smashed walls, and a large monster-shaped hole in the fašade of the school. "And we don't have monster insurance," he added. All summer activities at the school have been cancelled.
The mayor of Canton said that he had never heard of a monster breaking through the floor of a prom, and that his staff could not find any records that described any such event, anywhere. He also extended his heartfelt prayers to the families of the students that have disappeared, wishing for their speedy and safe return.
Local Halloween Party Turns Away Costumes that Aren't Scary Enough
Baldwin, NY -November 1st - In a corner of Baldwin, on New York's Long Island, children and adults were turned away from a large party on Friday night because their costumes simply weren't scary enough for the MC's taste.
Reports based on statements from neighbors say that almost half the people that were headed to the party were seen leaving just minutes later. "It was obvious somebody had an agenda," said Betty Clermont, 46. "The people that left were children dressed as princesses, superman, batman, mermaids, and friendly animals. There were no witches, zombies, or ghosts leaving that party."
"They were letting all the ghosts and scary things go in. There was a guy with guts coming out of him. They went in, but the guy said we couldn't. He hates mermaids." said Tara, a 9-year-old girl who was happy to discuss the incident.
As many as 52 people were turned away from the party, according to estimates by eyewitness accounts.
Although several neighbors cited this incident as costume discrimination, no police reports were filed.
CNN Worried that Technical Glitch Could Freeze Touchscreen on Election Night
Atlanta - October 25 - On Friday, crews at CNN were working out details of a technical glitch in the touchscreen display used to detail Presidential election results, and hope to resolve the problem by election night.
CNN officials were worried that the interactive display could malfunction at any time. Power discrepancies between the interface and the internal electronics could cause things to appear and change that weren't intended to.
"This could cause voters to change their mind based on incorrect information," said a spokesperson.
Representatives wouldn't comment on whether they thought false results on the imaging system could sway viewers on the West Coast when results from the East coast were coming in.
"Or, the screen could just shut off entirely," said the lead CNN election night representative.
In the worst case scenario, according to CNN sources, the touch sense system could misinterpret motions which could cause entire states to move out of place, data to be jumbled, and everything just to be thrown into chaos.
Scratch-and-Sniff Ballots Banned from Polling Stations
November 1st - The Federal Election Commission yesterday banned scratch-and-sniff ballots from polling centers in several cities in Mississippi, Nebraska, and Ohio, according to the Non-Associated Press.
The scratch-and-sniff ballots first arose as a rumor last month, when authorities in Cleveland came across the first mention of them on the Internet. This mention was initially dismissed as a hoax.
Several cases of these ballots were discovered 2 weeks ago, to be sent to polling centers for use on Election Day, say authorities. There were as many as 12 different 'flavors' available, from apple cinnamon to chocolate, to on labeled as 'fragrant flatulence.'
"None of this is particularly damaging," said Robert DeNiro in an unrelated interview, "This just shouldn't be done; it is not appropriate."
"We are tracking down those responsible for this," said an anonymous FBI official, who also commented as to why Robert DeNiro had anything to say at all on the matter.
CNN Election Night Rehearsals Underway
Atlanta - October 25 - According to the Non-Associated Press, CNN anchors and reporters began conducting rehearsals on Thursday for the upcoming Presidential election on November 4th.
CNN reporters and correspondents were working overtime, while off the air, in a mock up of the studio that will be used on election night. A portion of the rehearsal process has been dedicated to making sure the giant touch screen functions properly.
Camera crews were also assessing angles as well as sequences of angles, according to sources at the cable network.
Anonymous interns also said that Wolf Blitzer was heard practicing his lines in his dressing room, rest room, and even walking down the hallway.
Technicians were also making sure that correspondants' laptops would be synchronized so that during panel discussions, where wouldn't be any mishaps or misinformation delivered.
Gallop Poll Workers Injured by Spontaneous Stampede of Horses
Lewisville, KY - October 23 - Sources at Fox News say that a group of 14 individuals assembling a gallop poll for the upcoming presidential election in Lewisville, KY, were severely injured when a stampede of horses apparently charged from out of nowhere.
Sources say that 9 of them were released from the hospital the following morning, but the remaining 5 had sustained terrible head injuries and multiple broken bones. It was not known when they'd be released.
Mary Ackno and her GallopPoll Express staff were compiling data on their computers at the home office, according to a report by a Lewisville newspaper. They were out on the porch, where some printouts were left to dry due to an earlier incident, and to take a break while discussing some business matters. Suddenly, there was a rumbling sound.
With the pressures of completing the gallop poll in time, the pollsters considered just going back inside to finish their work.
Instead, say police, a stampede of horses trampled all of the staff at the same time, before disappearing as soon as they appeared. "Nobody had time to escape," said a local sheriff.
This is the first time a group of gallop pollsters was injured by a spontaneous stampede of horses, according to the American Society of Statistics.